Admission of my Fear

I'm back in my home town just for a few days. It's been good to be home and be with my parents and to see old friends. I'm sitting in the Starbucks where I've had many reunions with my old buddies. None of them are here now, but being here is a comforting place. (Maybe that's why I decided to blog instead of work on the homework that keeps looming in the back of my mind.)

I just finished lunch with my pastor and I left feeling very encouraged. At the same time, it left me feeling extremely introspective. I'm often overwhelmed by thoughts of my future. I realized yesterday, that I operate much out of fear. I have been greatly struggling with my homework the last two semesters and I think I finally realized the root of the problem. I am afraid of the future. The uncertainty of this life can be a crippling thought. Even more crippling, for me, is the idea that I am called to be a shepherd of God's people. Failure in this mission is an extremely terrifying thought at this point. I realize that my success in this requires complete surrender to God because I cannot truly do the work of God on my own. If I'm trying to do His work on my own accord then I'm going to fall very very short. But if I make mistakes, which I will, my fears are that I could greatly shake someone's faith. It's a very great responsibility.

My pastor pointed out to me today that I have the greatest advocate on my side. God called me to do what it is that I am studying to become. I am not one to speak openly of spiritual warfare (because I don't want to err on the side of being some crazy person), but I feel that my fears have been exacerbated by satanic forces that seek to stop the work of God from being carried out. God has already given his opinion on this by calling me to do his work in a professional setting. I need to trust God more deeply. I trust God in many areas of my life, but I wonder if I'm okay with giving my money to God because I don't have much and I struggle with trusting God with my future. I've had some calvinist friends at school tell me that we Wesleyan-Arminians don't give God credit for His sovereignty. Now, I always disagree with them when they bring this up because a healthy view of free will includes an understanding of God's sovereignty, but I think it is a valid concern that they bring up. And maybe that's what I'm really struggling with right now. Do I believe God is sovereign over my future? If I do, then I can trust Him and let some of my fears go. Maybe this is where I am believing lies of the enemy. This could be a place in my mind where doubts c0me seeping in. So this is where I am today. I am going to turn to Him with my doubt and wrestle with it. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.