Musings from the Past

I was going through files in my computer and deleting items that I didn't need anymore and what not, making space for updates and the likes, when I came across this journal entry I made on Jan. 8th, 2009. I apparently was trying to start journaling on my computer but this was the only entry I ever made. I read through it and it really spoke to me where I am at so I wanted to share it with all of you. Maybe it will be as refreshing to you as it was to me today. Blessings.

"January 8, 2009

More and more God is showing me how He wants to reveal himself to us. He longs for us to know Him. His incarnation is the best illustration that He has given us. God wants to fellowship with us. He wants to be apart of our lives. To be more than just a trophy or a keepsake placed on our mantle. God wants to be real in our lives. God wants us to experience life. Jesus came to give us life and life in the fullest (John 10:10). His death and crucifixion were for more than just a way for us to be free of sin. It was a way to free us to be the man or woman that God had originally created in the garden. To be free of what holds us back from achieving what God plans for us. God desires for us to fellowship with Him. The Light. He wants us to see him. He wants us to be His sons. He wants us to be his bride. Thinking about that blows me away. God loves us. And that thought shakes my very world. How can the God of the universe care about me? About the load that is on my back? I often think about crazy things like what it takes to make the cloud that are in the sky look like they are. How at the very moment that I can see them in the shape that they are that the levels of gases have to be a certain mixture in order for that to happen. But why does that matter? What is the point? Then it makes me realize how miniscule my life is. How I’m NOT the center of the universe, but then I think about the fact that God LOVES me. The true center of the universe cares about me. WOW!"

The 5 Stages of Grief: A Jayhawk's Process of Mourning a Loss in the Big Dance

No, I am not an alumni of the University of Kansas. And no, I've never been a resident of the state of Kansas. But I bleed Crimson and Blue. I adhere to the doctrines of Naismith and Allen; and I study the art of Self respect. For it is true what Hampton Stevens recently reported: "To grow up a Jayhawk is to grow up indoctrinated. It's like being raised in a strict fundamentalist church—but the only fundamentals that matter are footwork, hustle, shot selection, and knowing how to guard the pick-and-roll." So to me, Kansas basketball is not only a team, but a way of life. (I can already see my girlfriend rolling her eyes when she reads this but it is what it is.) And when the season comes to a close prematurely, it's like losing a dear friend.

So today as I sit in my house writing this, after what felt like a slap in the face when #11 seed VCU upset the #1 seed Kansas Jayhawks by 10 points, I am processing the loss. I must grieve over a season that I poured my heart and soul into. Surprisingly, only an hour after the upset, I find myself reaching the stage of acceptance on the Kübler-Ross model. Partly because I went through the other four stages during the game itself. First came anger: I was frustrated by KU's inability to play solid defense, the one-sided calling from the referees, and the uncharacteristically poor shooting percentage by the Jayhawks (.355). Then when the second half came around I was in denial when Kansas cut the VCU lead down to 4 points. And when the Rams continued to make their three's I was bargaining: Just let us play our very best and we can win this thing. And as the final minute rolled around I was hit hard with depression. I watched time expire and the weight of our loss left me short of breath. So how is it that only an hour afterwards, I am able to accept such a loss? Easy, I saw it coming.

Now to the Jayhawk faithful, please refrain from defriending me on Facebook, or worse cursing me for betraying the Jayhawks like I'm Roy Williams headed for North Carolina. You can rest assured that I had Kansas winning it all in every bracket I made. I'm only saying, I saw it coming because we did not do as our beloved coach told us over and over again: PLAY DEFENSE. Just the other day Self admitted that our team this year might be the worst team, defensively, he's coached at Kansas. So that, coupled with our arrogance, kept me from denying the reality that we could fall. I was not about ready to let myself be as vulnerable as I was when Kansas played UNI. No one can deny that the lost last year makes our loss in the Elite 8 so much easier to swallow. I LOVE my Jayhawks. Believe me, I missed maybe 4 games all season long. But I couldn't disagree with my coach who's motto has always been "Defense wins Championships." And who can argue with a coach like Bill Self... honestly.

So now, I will look forward to the coming weeks to see if any of our boys decide to enter the draft or stick it out for another year. I will undoubtably miss Tyrel Reed, Mario Little, and (I can't believe I'm admitting this) Uncle Brady. But a new era must dawn where 25 year old Morningstar is no longer wearing a Jersey. And I will no doubt miss the Twins if they go to the draft and anyone else who transfers, gets drafted or what have you. But next year holds new possibilities, new challenges, and new players. So I hang my hat for now and say goodbye the game I love so much (no, I'm not done watching basketball for the season, but from my perspective Kansas IS Basketball, so what's the difference). I anxiously await the arrival of November 15th when Kansas meets Kentucky in the Champions Classic on the first day of the 2011-2012 season... until then, I'll have to find a new obsession.

Admission of my Fear

I'm back in my home town just for a few days. It's been good to be home and be with my parents and to see old friends. I'm sitting in the Starbucks where I've had many reunions with my old buddies. None of them are here now, but being here is a comforting place. (Maybe that's why I decided to blog instead of work on the homework that keeps looming in the back of my mind.)

I just finished lunch with my pastor and I left feeling very encouraged. At the same time, it left me feeling extremely introspective. I'm often overwhelmed by thoughts of my future. I realized yesterday, that I operate much out of fear. I have been greatly struggling with my homework the last two semesters and I think I finally realized the root of the problem. I am afraid of the future. The uncertainty of this life can be a crippling thought. Even more crippling, for me, is the idea that I am called to be a shepherd of God's people. Failure in this mission is an extremely terrifying thought at this point. I realize that my success in this requires complete surrender to God because I cannot truly do the work of God on my own. If I'm trying to do His work on my own accord then I'm going to fall very very short. But if I make mistakes, which I will, my fears are that I could greatly shake someone's faith. It's a very great responsibility.

My pastor pointed out to me today that I have the greatest advocate on my side. God called me to do what it is that I am studying to become. I am not one to speak openly of spiritual warfare (because I don't want to err on the side of being some crazy person), but I feel that my fears have been exacerbated by satanic forces that seek to stop the work of God from being carried out. God has already given his opinion on this by calling me to do his work in a professional setting. I need to trust God more deeply. I trust God in many areas of my life, but I wonder if I'm okay with giving my money to God because I don't have much and I struggle with trusting God with my future. I've had some calvinist friends at school tell me that we Wesleyan-Arminians don't give God credit for His sovereignty. Now, I always disagree with them when they bring this up because a healthy view of free will includes an understanding of God's sovereignty, but I think it is a valid concern that they bring up. And maybe that's what I'm really struggling with right now. Do I believe God is sovereign over my future? If I do, then I can trust Him and let some of my fears go. Maybe this is where I am believing lies of the enemy. This could be a place in my mind where doubts c0me seeping in. So this is where I am today. I am going to turn to Him with my doubt and wrestle with it. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.

Spontaneity--Spice Up Your Life (maybe w./a little Girl Talk?)

So tonight I was able to take part a bit of Spontaneity. And boy howdy did I have fun! (Sorry I had to laugh at that). My friend Jaci called me up today and asked if I wanted to go see Girl Talk...who, by the way, had two shows in Denver that sold out months in advance (the second of those shows were today. So of course, as an eclectic music lover (who may have a serious addiction to the art), my answer was yeah, but how could she ever do that? The show is SOLD OUT!!! What she told me next was pure grace being spoken into my ears... "My friends are in the opening band and they are getting me in free and I can bring friends..."

As you can tell in the picture in the top right corner of your screen, I was one of those friends. I got into a sold out show, FOR FREE!!! And it was off the chain. (I've never said that before but I'm trying it out.) So I'm writing you all out there in the blogosphere to encourage you to spice up your life with Spontaneity. It's the best. I'm going to look back when I'm forty years older,
and remember this night vividly. Sure there were a few pitfalls to the show: I was pushed up against a railing all night as the crowd danced the night away (thus leaving me less space to join. Have no fear, I still danced the night away, just less comfortably.); then their was the white rasta who was in front of me dancing (which meant he was unintentionally grinding on me which I wasn't about to have that. After I had made a bit of space between us he turned to me, realizing that I was singing along like he was, and said "glad to be sharing this moment with you man." Hippies, you either love 'em or hate 'em. I love 'em, but if they start grinding up on me I get a little defensive and change my stance on hippies.); then the fact that the people to my left and to my right were both lighting up jays beside me stinging the nostrils (but what do you except when you live in a place where 100,000 people have medical marijuana prescriptions).

But besides that, I really can't complain. I mean I got into a Girl Talk show for free. It was a blast too. Oh buddy. I also meet a few people along the way. Like my new friend Adam who likes to give hi-fives and was dating a girl who I had met at the Phantogram show. Her name was hard to pronounce thus hard for me to remember (I'm really bad with names.) It was like Charis, or Chizo or something like that. Anyways, then there was Drew and his lady friend, whose name slips my mind. They were nice to talk to. He is a union rep for grocery stores and she's a receptionist for an accounting firm. We shared some laughs and we got to see an epic dj live. It was sick. See I had so much fun...that's why spontaneity is so wonderful.

If you are reading this, and you haven't done anything spontaneous recently then I encourage you to do so. Just earlier last week, I had a moment when spontaneity was knocking at my window of opportunity and I didn't capitalize sending me head first into a sea of regret and disdain for my lack of courage to step out in faith to participate.

Here's a quick run down of what happened: I've been a regular attender at Scum of the Earth Church for several months now. (It's only a few blocks from my home and one of my roomies goes already so why not.) And a friend of mine from Scum is raising money to go to Palestine to promote peace between the Palestinians and the Israelis (cool stuff). So he's having a fundraiser at this ministry house/cafe downtown. Well my roommate Nick and I had two different flyers with conflicting dates and times on them, but we didn't realize it. So we drive across town and find a place to park about a block and a half away. And we start looking for this house. When we get there I had a weird feeling that it looked a little too much like a house than a cafe, but it was the right place. Nick looked in the window and saw some people so he said yeah this has to be it. So I proceeded to waltz right in, but I was not prepared for what I was about to see... The place looked just like a living room with a kitchen area off in the corner. There were probably 6 or 8 college age kids inside whose eyes were huge when they saw us just barge right in. None of the people there were people we knew and my heart immediately skipped a beat. Come to find out it wasn't someone's house, but the correct location on the wrong date. The kids where all students from Wheaton and where here on a mission trip during their spring break. They offered us to stay and eat tacos with them but we declined. For probably an hour after we left, I was a little disappointed that we hadn't stayed and eaten with them. It could have been a fun, but alas, it is just a possibly great story that has been hindered by fear.

So don't be like me and my roommate who regret not acting in spontaneity. Try to do something spontaneous if the opportunity arises. Spice up your life by saying yes when you would normally say no. That's my goal. And when I do, I'll be sure to share with anyone who cares to listen (or read).

An Infrequent Blogger's Tribute to a Blog w/Purpose

Writing a blog is not as simple as so many make it seem. But then again, I'm probably making it harder than it is. So today I thought I'd just try to write something, anything, to get my blog up and off the ground. Last post was really long and winded so I will be brief. I'm trying to break free of my chains to the Infrequent Blogger. I'm inspired by my friends who can blog on a regular basis and enjoy doing so.

As a way of showing my respect to a friend, I'd like to point you all to a blog by a girl I went to high school with. Her name is Megan and she is a Spartan (She goes to Michigan State.) I ran into her back home over Christmas and she told me about this blog she's been keeping. It's her senior writing project and it's really great. She had an idea to have coffee (or tea) with a stranger every week for a year and she would write about her experience along the way. The result is 52 Cups of Coffee. I think it's a brilliant idea. It's really great how it allows for other people's stories to be told. (As opposed to self absorbent blogs entirely about the blogger, i.e. The Life and Times of Nate Rusk). I applaud Megan for her work and for putting herself out there to do something like this. So go check it out and let me know what you think.

Hope to post something again real soon.