Summer Time and the Living is Easy.

It is (officially) summertime once again and I love it. I've been riding my bike like a fiend and reading books that I want to read. I finished my grad-work for the summer last friday and I finished my first book on Thursday. I read Catcher in the Rye and now I'm on to Catch 22 by Joseph Heller. I've got a goal to read at least 10 books before the summer is over in August. My new summer work schedule is pretty bomb. I go to work at 11:30am and get off anywhere from 7:30-9pm. A summer work schedule like this is hard to beat.

I've really been aching for some creativity lately and have found myself soaking up some writing technics I've discovered through StumbleUpon. I'm going to start writing next week and try to produce a new story each week. So I will be sure to post a few of my works on here. I'm realizing what has always stopped me from completing the task is the fear of making mistakes.

This is a mental road block that must be conquered to truly produce art or you never get anywhere. Last summer I read a short little book by David Bayles and Ted Orland called Art & Fear. And in it they present a parable of sorts of an art teacher who did an experiment with his students by grading half the class on the quality of the work they produce and the other half on the quantity of work they produced throughout the semester. The class soon discovered that those who were required to produced more work were able to produce better quality work. They didn't have the time to be nit-picky so they learned what worked and what didn't overtime and were able to perfect their craft. The students graded on quality focused on one final product and stressed and toiled over that one piece to the point where any life that had been found in their work had been sucked out of it. And now this summer I keep coming across this idea. I found a quote by Ira Glass where he gives advice to artists in the beginning of their creative process:

Summer has been going pretty great so far. I can't complain anyways. I hope to make it up to the mountains before too long and maybe hit up a fourteener or two, but right now its pretty chill. I just started working 40+ hours a week so that will definitely help me get my feet on the ground financially for awhile and maybe I won't be struggling from paycheck to paycheck. I see this time as a new phase in my life. I'm becoming an adult more and more. I will definitely write about this more soon, esp. after I read Tillich's Courage to Be and May's Courage to Create. I'll keep you posted. Until then, I hope you are enjoying your summer too. Let me know what you're up to this summer. I'm interested to know.

Returning from a Brief Hiatus

So it's been awhile since I last wrote, but today felt as good a time as any to return to the blogosphere. To recap, I have finished my first full year of Seminary and got a job at Cherry Hills Country Club as a Pantry Chef (I make salads and plate desserts; a nice gig). Lindsay and I are growing closer as our relationship continues to move forward and to mature (although we have a lot to learn. I still think we are on the right track).

I have recently come to a few milestones that have shaken me up a bit to think about them. May 8th marked one year since I graduated college. It was a tough pill to swallow that I am one year removed from college. I won't say my college years were the best years of my life, but they sure were fun and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it. The other realization I came to was that on May 20th, I had been out of high school for 5 years. That was just so strange. To imagine how much I have grown in one year is mind boggling and to compare myself with the high school version of me there are some striking differences. I'm essentially the same person, but I have just been shaped by life and personal experience and am less of the overly optimistic person I was in high school. I believe much of the change has been happening over the last year. Its crazy to think about how much has happened in the course of a year. Not only that but I have been a resident of the Denver Metro Area now for over a year. This too is pretty strange. C'est la vie. Life keeps on moving regardless of how hard we try to stay in the same spot. And change is good, but it takes some getting used to. I must admit, growing up is easily the hardest thing I'm learning to do. Part of me never wants to grow up, but at the same time there are so many things I want to accomplish that I have had to come to terms with the fact that I must growing up in order to be successful (and at times, even to survive.)

But undoubtedly I am blessed. Blessed to be growing, to know that life still exists inside of me. Now I have just come to the age in my life where I must come to terms with my being. And to discover what it is that I am being molded and shaped for. I am definitely growing as a person and finding pieces to the puzzle of my being but I must keep on working at it. So until I'll keep you in the loop. When I figure out the meaning for my being, I'll let you know. Until next time.

One of those days...

Do you ever have one of those days where no matter what you just can't seem to get anything done? Today has been that for me and, quite frankly, I hate it. I'm currently sitting in Pajama Baking Co. with John Calvin's Institutes of Religion open beside me and I have read maybe 25 words. I have struggled all day today with being able to get my work done. No matter how hard I try to just sit down and focus I cannot.

There is a lot on my mind so its understandable, but its not excusable. I have SO MUCH homework to do this next few weeks that I really cannot afford to not get things done at this point. I have had two very productive days, but I still have more to get done. If you are reading this please pray that motivation sweeps over me and I become this homework producing machine that can get my work done in no time.

Until this happens, I will probably continue to sip my Americano my girlfriend purchased for me because she is just that wonderful and read a handful of Calvin at a time. I wonder if the time before ours when technology was not at everyones fingertips, if people still struggled to focus like we do. Do you think Mark Twain sat at his typewriter and painstakingly wrote every word of Huckleberry Finn or did the words just flowed out of him like the release of floodgates? Did Calvin sit in Geneva and struggle to get motivated to write his Institutes at the ripe old age of 27? (Granted, I'm not even 23 yet so maybe that gets me off the hook.) Did Søren Kierkegaard sit with Socrates comedies and struggle to find the motivation to read them? What about Shakespeare? Neruda? Flannery O'Connor? I just wonder if in a simpler time if I would still struggle to focus like I do today. Has Facebook and easy access to the internet reshaped my attention span so that I can only focus on things for a small period of time and only when I really really want to? Then again, people get things done all the time. Maybe I'm just experiencing one of those days?

Regardless, I am having trouble getting motivated but I 'spose writing a blog post does really constitute as trying. So I better sign off and get to work. Wish me luck. Apparently, I'm gonna need it.

My Rebirth: 9 Years Ago

It's strange to look back at my journey of faith and realize that it has been 9 years since I prayed with my pastor and my best friend Levi in a stairwell at New Life Wesleyan Church. I am blessed to know that for almost ten years the Lord has guided my path. Its been a wonderfully difficult journey that has brought me through the peaks and valleys of life. What a marvelous thing it is to be in the fold of God?

Today I sit in the library at Denver Seminary. Beside me is Kenneth Grider's A Wesleyan-Holiness Theology open facedown, awaiting my return to writing a paper for Survey in Theological Method. I had to take some time to really dwell on the significance of today. I can tell you that 9 years ago I had no idea I would be sitting where I am now. I would have never guessed the Lord's plan for my life included getting a Seminary Education. I'm still not fully aware of what the Lord has in store for me. But right now, I look back at all He's done for me and I can't help but praise His Holy Name. I still find myself looking back and seeing His work in areas of my life that I had not recognized at the time. There are many milestones in my faith that to write them all out now would take far too long. But for the sake of bringing glory to God I want to at least mention a couple.

My grandma died when I was 9. That was a tough pill for me to swallow, but it was that event that really started to awaken the hunger in my soul something greater than myself. It took many years after this before anything significant happened in moving me closer to faith in God. I went to the National Jamboree for Boy Scouts in 2001. There I took serious the tenant of the Scout Motto that a Scout is...reverent. So, remember my mom had grown up a methodist, I went to the Tent of Religion set up at the Jamboree and spoke with a United Methodist pastor there who gave me a Pocket New Testament. I also attended prayer meeting with a friend during that week. Here God really began to prepare my heart. During this trip to the National Jamboree, we had the privilege to visit the World Trade Center in June of 2001. We went to the top of the building and looked down at the city below. It is a memory that is burned into my mind. So, on Sept. 11th, like most Americans, I was in utter shock when I watched those towers fall. I was in total disbelief that it had happened. I had been in that place. Of course, this sent all kinds of questions into my mind. A month later my friend, Levi, asked me to start going to youth group with him at his church. He told me his parents would be able to bring me home afterwards so I start coming in hope to find some answers to my questions. It was there that I first heard the good news of the resurrected Christ. It was there that I found a community of brothers who would become my best friends, roommates, and mentors. It was there that the Lord welcomed me home as the prodigal son returning.

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I wrote all of that on April 11th. It has now been almost a week since and I have taken the time to thank many of the people who have influenced my faith in a major way. It was a powerful thing to express my gratitude towards mentors, friends and loved ones in how their faith and friendship has impacted my life. Many were very encouraged to hear from me. I want to encourage anyone reading this to take the time out from your busy life to verbally thank the people who have influenced your life. It can be such an encouragement for the both of you.

Musings from the Past

I was going through files in my computer and deleting items that I didn't need anymore and what not, making space for updates and the likes, when I came across this journal entry I made on Jan. 8th, 2009. I apparently was trying to start journaling on my computer but this was the only entry I ever made. I read through it and it really spoke to me where I am at so I wanted to share it with all of you. Maybe it will be as refreshing to you as it was to me today. Blessings.

"January 8, 2009

More and more God is showing me how He wants to reveal himself to us. He longs for us to know Him. His incarnation is the best illustration that He has given us. God wants to fellowship with us. He wants to be apart of our lives. To be more than just a trophy or a keepsake placed on our mantle. God wants to be real in our lives. God wants us to experience life. Jesus came to give us life and life in the fullest (John 10:10). His death and crucifixion were for more than just a way for us to be free of sin. It was a way to free us to be the man or woman that God had originally created in the garden. To be free of what holds us back from achieving what God plans for us. God desires for us to fellowship with Him. The Light. He wants us to see him. He wants us to be His sons. He wants us to be his bride. Thinking about that blows me away. God loves us. And that thought shakes my very world. How can the God of the universe care about me? About the load that is on my back? I often think about crazy things like what it takes to make the cloud that are in the sky look like they are. How at the very moment that I can see them in the shape that they are that the levels of gases have to be a certain mixture in order for that to happen. But why does that matter? What is the point? Then it makes me realize how miniscule my life is. How I’m NOT the center of the universe, but then I think about the fact that God LOVES me. The true center of the universe cares about me. WOW!"

The 5 Stages of Grief: A Jayhawk's Process of Mourning a Loss in the Big Dance

No, I am not an alumni of the University of Kansas. And no, I've never been a resident of the state of Kansas. But I bleed Crimson and Blue. I adhere to the doctrines of Naismith and Allen; and I study the art of Self respect. For it is true what Hampton Stevens recently reported: "To grow up a Jayhawk is to grow up indoctrinated. It's like being raised in a strict fundamentalist church—but the only fundamentals that matter are footwork, hustle, shot selection, and knowing how to guard the pick-and-roll." So to me, Kansas basketball is not only a team, but a way of life. (I can already see my girlfriend rolling her eyes when she reads this but it is what it is.) And when the season comes to a close prematurely, it's like losing a dear friend.

So today as I sit in my house writing this, after what felt like a slap in the face when #11 seed VCU upset the #1 seed Kansas Jayhawks by 10 points, I am processing the loss. I must grieve over a season that I poured my heart and soul into. Surprisingly, only an hour after the upset, I find myself reaching the stage of acceptance on the Kübler-Ross model. Partly because I went through the other four stages during the game itself. First came anger: I was frustrated by KU's inability to play solid defense, the one-sided calling from the referees, and the uncharacteristically poor shooting percentage by the Jayhawks (.355). Then when the second half came around I was in denial when Kansas cut the VCU lead down to 4 points. And when the Rams continued to make their three's I was bargaining: Just let us play our very best and we can win this thing. And as the final minute rolled around I was hit hard with depression. I watched time expire and the weight of our loss left me short of breath. So how is it that only an hour afterwards, I am able to accept such a loss? Easy, I saw it coming.

Now to the Jayhawk faithful, please refrain from defriending me on Facebook, or worse cursing me for betraying the Jayhawks like I'm Roy Williams headed for North Carolina. You can rest assured that I had Kansas winning it all in every bracket I made. I'm only saying, I saw it coming because we did not do as our beloved coach told us over and over again: PLAY DEFENSE. Just the other day Self admitted that our team this year might be the worst team, defensively, he's coached at Kansas. So that, coupled with our arrogance, kept me from denying the reality that we could fall. I was not about ready to let myself be as vulnerable as I was when Kansas played UNI. No one can deny that the lost last year makes our loss in the Elite 8 so much easier to swallow. I LOVE my Jayhawks. Believe me, I missed maybe 4 games all season long. But I couldn't disagree with my coach who's motto has always been "Defense wins Championships." And who can argue with a coach like Bill Self... honestly.

So now, I will look forward to the coming weeks to see if any of our boys decide to enter the draft or stick it out for another year. I will undoubtably miss Tyrel Reed, Mario Little, and (I can't believe I'm admitting this) Uncle Brady. But a new era must dawn where 25 year old Morningstar is no longer wearing a Jersey. And I will no doubt miss the Twins if they go to the draft and anyone else who transfers, gets drafted or what have you. But next year holds new possibilities, new challenges, and new players. So I hang my hat for now and say goodbye the game I love so much (no, I'm not done watching basketball for the season, but from my perspective Kansas IS Basketball, so what's the difference). I anxiously await the arrival of November 15th when Kansas meets Kentucky in the Champions Classic on the first day of the 2011-2012 season... until then, I'll have to find a new obsession.

Admission of my Fear

I'm back in my home town just for a few days. It's been good to be home and be with my parents and to see old friends. I'm sitting in the Starbucks where I've had many reunions with my old buddies. None of them are here now, but being here is a comforting place. (Maybe that's why I decided to blog instead of work on the homework that keeps looming in the back of my mind.)

I just finished lunch with my pastor and I left feeling very encouraged. At the same time, it left me feeling extremely introspective. I'm often overwhelmed by thoughts of my future. I realized yesterday, that I operate much out of fear. I have been greatly struggling with my homework the last two semesters and I think I finally realized the root of the problem. I am afraid of the future. The uncertainty of this life can be a crippling thought. Even more crippling, for me, is the idea that I am called to be a shepherd of God's people. Failure in this mission is an extremely terrifying thought at this point. I realize that my success in this requires complete surrender to God because I cannot truly do the work of God on my own. If I'm trying to do His work on my own accord then I'm going to fall very very short. But if I make mistakes, which I will, my fears are that I could greatly shake someone's faith. It's a very great responsibility.

My pastor pointed out to me today that I have the greatest advocate on my side. God called me to do what it is that I am studying to become. I am not one to speak openly of spiritual warfare (because I don't want to err on the side of being some crazy person), but I feel that my fears have been exacerbated by satanic forces that seek to stop the work of God from being carried out. God has already given his opinion on this by calling me to do his work in a professional setting. I need to trust God more deeply. I trust God in many areas of my life, but I wonder if I'm okay with giving my money to God because I don't have much and I struggle with trusting God with my future. I've had some calvinist friends at school tell me that we Wesleyan-Arminians don't give God credit for His sovereignty. Now, I always disagree with them when they bring this up because a healthy view of free will includes an understanding of God's sovereignty, but I think it is a valid concern that they bring up. And maybe that's what I'm really struggling with right now. Do I believe God is sovereign over my future? If I do, then I can trust Him and let some of my fears go. Maybe this is where I am believing lies of the enemy. This could be a place in my mind where doubts c0me seeping in. So this is where I am today. I am going to turn to Him with my doubt and wrestle with it. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.